Andy was my rock. We met back in 2002, and I knew instantly that he was the man I was meant to spend my life with. He quickly became my world.
After a whirlwind romance, we got married on a beach in Jamaica surrounded by our friends and family, and in 2007, I gave birth to our beautiful son, Finn. We had a perfect little family, and were stupidly happy. But before long, my world started to fall apart. One evening in 2017, I came home to find Andy – usually ever-so relaxed – anxious about ongoing chest pain.
Despite doctors initially diagnosing him with stress, I wasn’t so sure. The man I knew could barely even spell ‘stress’, let alone feel it.
But once we’d finally got him an appointment for an ECG, things began to unravel before my eyes: within the space of a few days, he had suffered a series of severe heart attacks, was put into an induced coma and, eventually, when he came around, was left acutely disabled.
Overnight, the man I married was gone. He was unable to walk and talk, and needed round-the-clock care.
It was in 2020, during the pandemic, that he eventually slipped away. He was 57. Life as I knew it had changed for ever.
But I hadn’t only lost my strong, beautiful husband – I had also lost the life we had built together, the plans we had made for the future. We’d dreamt of seeing the world as a family but, suddenly, even leaving the house took its toll on me.
During Andy’s illness, in an attempt to escape the unbearable reality at home, I had dedicated myself to taking Finn to every Disneyland around the world, no matter how far-flung. We’d been to Hong Kong, Shanghai, Orlando…
Nicky with her husband Andy and their son Finn on a family trip to Cornwall. Andy passed away in 2020, during the pandemic, at the age of 57
But now, with Andy gone, the landscape had completely changed. The prospect of venturing out with Finn – let alone totally on my own – felt out of the question.
I couldn’t imagine a holiday that didn’t confront us with everything we’d lost. A trip to Center Parcs, surrounded by picture-perfect happy families, filled me with dread. It could only remind me of the gaping hole left in my life, and impress upon Finn the brutal absence of his dad.
During this period, the darkest of my life, I leant heavily on support groups, such as Widowed And Young, a charity dedicated to helping those who had suffered tragedies similar to ours.
Slowly, I started to forge a community of people who had understood what I had been through, with their own unique tragedies. It was on one of these forums last year that I saw a post about a ‘widows cruise’: a group of people who had lost their life partners booking on to the same voyage and travelling together.
Before Andy’s illness, cruising had been a big part of our family life. We had been around the Caribbean, the Med, and even to Sydney with Finn – our last trip as a family before Andy’s passing.
Initially, the thought of going to sea without Andy was terrifying, and I had visions of painful, heavy discussions of grief.
But the more I thought about it, the more I felt inclined to say yes. While the usual all-inclusive resorts only made me feel more lonely, this was an opportunity to travel in the company of others who knew what I had been through, could share in what I had lost.
Plus, I knew what Andy would want me to do.
The ship Carnival Celebration, which set sail from Miami for a ‘widows cruise’
Nicky with some of the 39 other members of the ‘widows cruise’ on the Carnival Celebration
I booked a ticket, flew to Miami, and boarded the ‘widows cruise’ without looking back.
There were 40 of us setting sail on the Carnival Celebration, and I was immediately embraced by a community unlike any I had experienced before.
The collective term for a group of widows is an ‘ambush’, a word which, I think, perfectly encapsulates the power I felt while on board. It rained lots, but that didn’t stop us making the most of it – whether that was playing bingo, watching shows or dancing until the small hours of the morning.
In fact, I’m not sure you have really lived until you have let loose with an ambush of widows on the dance floor.
The friendships you make with fellow widows and widowers accelerate from zero to 100 in a matter of hours.
There’s an emotional shorthand between people who have suffered one of life’s greatest losses, and it was liberating to be able to talk so freely as we travelled around the Caribbean.
And, while we certainly had quiet moments of reflection and swapped stories about our loved ones, the predominant focus of the trip was to enjoy ourselves, explore new places and create new memories.
This wasn’t about moving on – we were moving forward. I even found myself having a brief holiday romance with a fellow widower I met on board. While affair itself was fleeting, it was an important reminder that I was still alive, and that my life could – and should – still move forward.
It was a trip I’ll never forget – and cruising quickly became an important lifeline as I rebuilt my life after Andy’s passing.
I know how to make the experience easier for myself now too. Even if I’m not going on a so-called ‘widows cruise’, I’ll check the pre-cruise roll calls to see if I know anyone else going, and post on forums such as The Widowed Collective to invite others along.
If I’m without Finn, who’s getting older now, I’m safe in the knowledge that I’ll never have to eat alone; I can opt to dine with fellow cruisers every single evening if I want.
Plus, there’s never a dull day on board.
If I do feel like socialising, most cruises nowadays run ‘singles’ meet-ups, and you can book on to all manner of excursions to get to know different passengers alongside whatever destination you’ve docked in for the day.
Cruising has also given me the opportunity to return to the places that were special to us as a couple, such as the Jamaican beach where said ‘I do’ all of those years ago.
I’ve found the confidence to return to other types of travel, too. Finn and I are huge theme park fans and, following our extended Disney trip, we have continued flying around the world to seek new adrenaline-fuelled thrills.
Nicky has loved exploring New York in this second chapter of her life
Nicky on a cruise around Alaska in the summer of this year, on the Quantum of the Seas
We often joke that life has forced emotional roller coasters upon us – so we might as well enjoy the real ones.
And while I would give anything to have Andy back, I’ve also been able to discover new places and have experiences that are entirely my own since his passing.
He was never a fan of the US, for example, but I’ve loved exploring New York in this second chapter of my life.
In fact, I’ve come to really enjoy the endless entertainment options provided by a city break – like going to the theatre or visiting galleries and exhibitions. There’s something quite liberating about getting to know new cities completely on my own terms.
What unites widows, I think, is our ability to find light in what is one of the darkest experiences life can throw at you.
And for me, travelling, and particularly cruising, has been a huge part of that – something for which I am unendingly grateful.
As told to Genie Harrison
Nicky Wake is the founder of Chapter2 Dating, a dating platform for widows and widowers (chapter2dating.app).
How (and where) to travel after losing a loved one
TOP TIPS
Find your people. Use Cruise Critic to check roll calls ahead of departure, so you can link up with others and join relevant WhatsApp or Facebook groups before you leave.Take every day as it comes. If you’re part of a big tour group, you might have days where you don’t fancy being with others and need to be alone. Go easy on yourself.If revisiting places you went to with your loved one feels overwhelming, try alternative destinations in your comfort zone, such as new European cities or places in the UK.If cruising, book the organised ship excursions for each port so that you can meet different passengers.Look for cruise lines that don’t charge single supplements so you’re not suffering financially at the hands of your grief.
TOP TRIPS
NCL run a brilliant programme for solo travellers with daily hosted meet-ups, organised dinners and no single supplements.Intrepid Travel run small, female-only expeditions with female leaders.Non-profit group Embark2 organise holidays exclusively for widows and widowers.If you’d prefer to travel alone, Just You organise solo packages and provide practical and emotional support.Explore offer a range of experience-led group tours, with an average group size of just 11 people.Saga Cruises have smaller, boutique ships ideal for solo travellers, with single cabins 85 per cent the size of the regular ones. There are a wide range of activities available on board if you want to meet others, as well as a singles mingle party. Group tours have boosted my confidence, says TV host Janet Ellis
My husband John and I were lucky enough to see much of the world together. But when John sadly passed away in 2020, the idea of travelling – and life in general – felt daunting, especially the thought of doing it all alone.
That changed last year when I discovered Just You, a solo travel group, and decided to take the plunge with a two-week trip to South Africa alongside a group of strangers. I was so nervous at first – meeting new people, going somewhere unfamiliar – and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.
But I was eager to see more of the world again and soon realised many others on the trip felt exactly the same way.
Over the fortnight, our tour guide showed us the best of South Africa, and I got to know my fellow travellers really well. No one begins by talking about grief, of course, but on these holidays you can share as much or as little as you want about why you’re there.
For those of us who are widowed, there’s often an unspoken bond – but I found just as much connection with people who were newly single or travelling solo for the first time. It sounds like a cliche, but by the end of the trip we truly were friends.
Since that South Africa trip, I’ve spent a week in New York. And next month, I’m off to Prague for the Christmas markets.
I can’t wait to meet another group of fellow adventurers.
justyou.co.uk
As told to Hayley Minn
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