I am not going to stand before you and pretend I am a fashion guru. Or even someone who cares whatsoever how others choose to present themselves. But I am a woman, and of relatively sound mind, and I can tell you that there are certain articles of clothing men wear on holiday that are a resounding turn-off.
This might not matter to you if you aren’t trying to ensnare a mate (in which case, flaunt your Crocs and cycling gear with reckless abandon!) but on the off-chance that you are on your next getaway, perhaps take note.
No man, no matter how gorgeous, can pull off a bucket hat. No Adonis, regardless of how physically gifted they might be, can look anything other than comical in Speedos.
And I don’t care how proud you are of your country or how fervent in your political views, for goodness’ sake leave the England flag (and Palestine scarf, for that matter) at home.
Here are some of the most toe-curling bits of holiday attire you, as a member of the male sex, can don on your travels…
Socks and sandals
Socks and sandals have evolved into something of a trend for younger men everywhere
I’ve never understood this sartorial oxymoron, and for that reason I can’t take anyone seriously who chooses to adopt it. Socks are for winter, sandals are for summer. To combine the two would be like wearing ski gloves on the beach with shorts and a tank top. Absurd.
When I was growing up, socks and sandals used to be spotted primarily on older, central European gentlemen, but I have noticed them evolve into something of a trend (specifically white, ribbed socks paired with Adidas sliders) for younger men everywhere in recent years. Baffling.
Harem pants
These characters are never on holiday, they are ‘on a journey’, and frankly I don’t want to hear about it, writes Annabel (picture posed by model)
These hideous, flappy, billowing, low-crotch trousers are a mainstay of yogis and Gap Year Tragedies the world over, and I find them deeply cringe-inducing. Indeed, there is probably no item of clothing that tells me you are going to be a tedious person more than these strides. See also dreadlocks (on caucasians) and beaded necklaces.
These characters are never on holiday, they are ‘on a journey’, and frankly I don’t want to hear about it.
Budgie smugglers
Members of the New South Wales Waratahs rugby union team in Australia don their budgie smugglers for a charity event
I don’t care how handsome you are, or how outrageously abundant the size of your package, tight swimming trucks never elicit a good reaction. At the very best, it’s funny. Never is it sexy.
It’s unfair, in a way, because the female bosom squeezed into a tight bikini really can be appealing, but there’s just something sinister about the sight of a male’s shrink-wrapped sausage that doesn’t compare favourably. Hard pass.
Cycling gear
Annabel’s husband is a keen member of the two-wheeled club, and every time he dons his Lycra, she recoils (picture posed by models)
I’m not proud of my prejudice against cyclists. It’s unfair and irrational; probably rooted in my own laziness. My husband is a keen member of the two-wheeled club, and every time he dons his Lycra, I recoil.
Perhaps it’s because cyclists are so smug? Annoying on the roads? I’m not sure, but they’re all ghastly as far as I’m concerned. And even worse on holiday. Can’t you and your impressive calves take a break from prancing around in shiny suits and getting in people’s way? Apparently not.
Wraparound sunglasses
A man wears Oakley sunglasses during Milan Fashion Week
These are very often part of a cyclist’s uniform, and I’m sure they’re highly practical in sports, but there’s just something nauseating about wraparound sunglasses. Supposedly invented by Oakley in the 1980s, and particularly fashionable during the 1990s, when I was growing up.
Perhaps that’s why they rub me up the wrong way? I knew a lot of twerps during that decade, and they all wore this sort of garish, athletic-looking eyewear in non-sports settings. Pretentious and silly.
Head-to-toe white
A crisp white linen shirt and trousers can look very good in a catalogue. But it’s risky attire for a casual getaway (picture posed by model)
I am mistrustful but also slightly in awe of people who wear white clothes – male and female. Particularly when worn from head to toe. A crisp white linen shirt and shorts can look very good in a catalogue. But it’s risky attire for a casual getaway.
It tells me you are the sort of person who can’t be around pets, grass, soil or red wine – all hazards capable of permanently ruining such an ensemble. Surely that is no way to live?
Bucket hats
Bucket hats are enduringly unflattering (picture posed by model)
Another hangover from the 1990s, often worn today in an ‘ironic’ sort of way. The problem with these is that, like budgie smugglers, they are enduringly unflattering. You can be really quite handsome and still be unable to carry off a bucket hat. They will simply always bring to mind Kevin and Perry, which is amusing, but not attractive.
Extreme sunburn
Unless you happen to be blessed with skin rich in melatonin, we have all been victims of sunburn (picture posed by model)
Unless you happen to be blessed with skin rich in melatonin, we have all been victims of sunburn. What I find truly weird – and thus unappealing – is the sort of man who wears his lobster-hued mistakes with pride. You see them bobbing around in the sea, often overweight and covered in tattoos, painfully red and seemingly unbothered. Women are rarely so reckless.
It’s not that I’m judging you for not wearing sunscreen (I don’t like the stuff either), it’s just that I think you should put a shirt on and sit in the shade for a bit.
England football shirts
An England fan wears a football shirt in a bar before a World Cup match. There is nothing inherently wrong with being proud of your nation – as seen here – but in a holiday scenario this is naff, writes Annabel
There is nothing inherently wrong with being proud of your nation, but the wearing of the St George’s flag in a holiday scenario just screams ‘hooligan’.
This is not true merely of the English. Americans on-tour in their stars and stripes look silly, too. As do Australians or any other nationality. Anyone who makes their heritage their entire personality is naff, as far as I’m concerned. Which leads me neatly on to…
Palestine attire
A man dons a black-and-white keffiyeh (picture posed by model)
I tend to steer clear of people who wear their politics emblazoned across their clothes, and this includes the abundance of Western blokes I’ve seen in recent years who march around parks and beaches wrapped in those black-and-white keffiyehs.
They are virtue signallers of the worst kind. Do you really think you’re going to change anyone’s mind about Palestine by sporting this garment? If so, you’re deluded, which is an unattractive character trait.
Crocs
Brad Pitt wearing Crocs in Florida – yet even the actor could not make them hot
I’ll be honest, I own Crocs, and they are the most practical and comfortable summer shoe ever invented. They are waterproof. They don’t rub. They’re easy to slip on and off and are embossed with pleasantly dotted inner soles.
They are also undeniably ugly. I don’t begrudge anyone who wears them, for the aforementioned reasons, but let’s call a spade a spade: these garish rubber clogs are vile. Brad Pitt himself could not make Crocs hot. There is even evidence of this.
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