There’s a billboard by the road north from Malawi’s capital Lilongwe that says, ‘You are now entering a corruption-free zone’.
It made me chortle, mischievously wondering if that meant corruption had been tolerated or encouraged, where I was just leaving.
Welcome to a drive-safari in Malawi, where you’ll soon pass by the Excussive Barber’s Shop (where they perhaps once swore a lot, but cuss no more), Mr Pee The Tailor, and, a little unsettlingly, the Very Welcome Coffin Workshop.
Pull over in a ramshackle village and you’ll be surrounded by hawkers flogging everything from cabbages to sandals made from tyres. Gnarled medicine women will try to sell you magical potions guaranteeing beautiful young women will fall crazily in love with you (even if you are, like me, of advanced age).
Malawi is known as ‘the warm heart of Africa’ and not just because of the scorching sun. Everybody looks happy. Even the cop who flagged down our car smiled as he handed over a speeding ticket.
On a drive-safari in Malawi, Malcolm Tattersall stays at Mvuu Lodge (pictured), close to Liwonde National Park
We’re on our way to Lake Malawi, a huge inland sea more than 350 miles long and 47 miles wide. It was here in 1861 that explorer David Livingstone – he of ‘Dr Livingstone, I presume’ fame – negotiated an end to the local slave trade.
Unlike many colonial figures from Africa’s history, the good doctor’s memory is still venerated in Malawi. The country’s commercial centre, Blantyre, is named after his Scottish birthplace and there’s a town called Livingstone.
We’re staying down the road at the five-star Pumulani Lodge in Lake Malawi National Park. The name means ‘rest easy’ in the local Chichewa language, and that’s exactly what we do with a cold Kuche Kuche beer outside our luxurious grass-roofed suite of rooms watching the huge red sun setting over the lake.
That’s wild: Malcolm says that Mvuu Lodge is ‘as luxurious as a five-star hotel’. Above, the lodge’s pool
Malcolm reveals that Malawi has the Big Five. Above, an elephant pictured at Liwonde National Park
The five-star Pumulani Lodge in Lake Malawi National Park. The name means ‘rest easy’ in the local Chichewa language, says Malcolm
Baby baboons peer down from a baobab tree, looking cute. But beware: leave anything about and they will have it. One pinched my underpants while I took a shower. Goodness knows why… they’d never have fitted him.
Malawi has the Big Five – lions, leopards, elephants, rhinos and buffalo.
Just 30 years ago, black rhinos had been wiped out. But a breeding pair called Justerini and Brooks were reintroduced to Liwonde National Park. Rangers have logged every calf born over the past 26 years – but don’t get too close: rhinos can weigh up to a ton and charge at 25 mph. As one ranger tells me: ‘Before tracking rhinos, you need to learn how to climb trees!’
The quality of Malawi’s safari camps varies. My room at
vuu Lodge, our next stop close to Liwonde National Park, is as luxurious as a five-star hotel with its bath carved from stone and two showers (one outside under the stars).
Malcolm recalls seeing crocodiles and ‘wallowing’ hippos during one of his game drives
Above, Lake Malawi, ‘a huge inland sea more than 350 miles long and 47 miles wide’
TRAVEL FACTS
Ten-night trips from £4,218 pp comprising three nights at Mvuu Lodge, three at Kutchire Lodge, and four at Pumulani with flights and transfers (expertafrica.com). More information at malawitourism.com.
My final port of call – Kutchire Lodge, about a 90-minute drive south – is a little more basic. Still, my solar-powered Village Hut is clean and comfortable with its own en-suite bathroom. Our Kutchire guide, Max, tells us that more than 420 species of wildlife roam around the camp and warns us not to leave our rooms alone at night ‘just in case’. Sure enough, later I’m wakened by what sounds like an elephant trudging noisily outside.
We’re up at 5am and setting out for a dawn game drive. Within minutes, Max is pointing out a waterbuck scampering through the trees. ‘We call them toilet seats,’ he grins, ‘because they have a big white ring on their backsides.’
Down by the river we glimpse crocodiles and spot a few wallowing hippos. Then comes the highlight of our expedition. Creeping through the bush are two hungry lionesses eying up a pair of warthogs for breakfast.
They charge and with a terrified squeal, the tusked hogs scuttle away as fast as their stumpy little legs will take them. They escape, and the disappointed lionesses slowly slink away.
As dusk falls, some of the villagers don tribal masks to perform an exuberant traditional dance. There are about 80 ritual dances, some performed to cure all manner of disease and demons.
It struck me, after getting back to the UK where we now must wait weeks for a routine GP appointment, that perhaps we could do with a few of those here.
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